In a magical world, you could see how your life would have panned out if you had stayed together, so you could validate what has happened since. And if this comment makes you angry, it's because it's true. That is not going to happen here – as I think you recognise – but I also think, if you're honest, a small, deep part of you wishes you could at least have that option. Sometimes people do find their first love and rekindle the relationship. I cut out a lot of detail from your email that might have identified you. If things were normal, I'd just send another message but I still feel too squashed, too rejected, and just not brave enough. I would just love to have him in my life, and see him like I do other friends. I don't want to rekindle a relationship with my ex. But I feel like something important isn't in my life. I don't wish that things had turned out differently. We had a great lunch but he didn't keep in touch, despite a couple of cheery emails from me.
He got back to me after several months, saying he was thrilled to hear from me and suggesting we meet up. But I have never felt so much in a relationship since then, and I have never been able to keep my first love out of my mind. I had two significant relationships afterwards, and now I'm married with two children and have a job that I love, and good friends. So I can see that I made the end of the relationship positive. To make up for it, I tried to make my life as interesting as possible, and became unhealthily driven in my career – I have a fantastic job now. It crushed my confidence, I felt absolute despair that I wouldn't find love again afterwards. After he ended the relationship, we never kept in touch, and I always felt that he didn't want to know me.
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